Monday, October 17, 2005

Anthro-Archaic Neanderthal Retrogrades & Transgenic Neo Simians

Well, heck. The American Association for Nude Recreation fans . . . and The Naturist Society fans are at it as usual in the forums; mudslinging back and forth, so I thought I'd offer this stupid analogy . . . to match all the other stupid analogies.

This debate goes on and on. It's no secret that I lean toward the TNS side of the spectrum but I am also a member of AANR because I think these two organizations need to get over their petty influence-squables and get back to supporting us . . . the nudists and naturists.

Anyway, my really innane and stupid analogy . . . Rick

Image: Chris Wayans
Once upon a time far away the first proto-mammals emerged from the sea and breathed fresh air. They found it was good and the natural thing to do. Time went by and the proto-mammals evolved . . . growing fur and hair to protect their bodies from the vagaries of climate. They stayed close to the ocean and occasionally went back into the water from whence they evolved. Some also stayed on land, moving ever inland into the thick jungles to forever forsake their birthplace.

Eons went by. The warming climates selected for almost hairless, upright walking proto-humans. They became known as Anthro-Archaic Neanderthal Retrogrades (or AANR for short) and organized into colonies for protection from the hairy apes that dominated the earliest times.

(Evidence for the existence of a hairy ape civilization persecuting the naked proto-humans can be found in the first episode of the 'Planet of the Apes', a popular documentary film of the '70s)

Meanwhile, in the far south of the present-day continent of Africa, the proto-humans who had stayed near the sea and lived in harmony with nature, prospered on their free beaches . . . convincing many species that hairless was natural for a water-evolved and delving creature. They pointed to pictures of hairy apes in cave drawings and asked, "How can you possibly swim with all that fur?" "Furless is not lewd," was the byword of the times.

The hairy apes rarely ventured out of their crowded and oppressive jungles but the few that did were welcomed and assimilated into a more gentle lifestyle beside the many hot springs set aside just for the hairy ones. Over time, even they lost the inhibitions of fur and became as hairless as their water-loving cousins. They became known as Transgenic Neo Sapians (or TNS) and soon learned to enjoy the freedom of frolicking about hairless and naked on the beaches and in the water. All was good.

Life was hard in the AANR colonies in the jungles. They felt hemmed in and totally bored with endless games of bridge and gin rummy while the leaders tried to bring new life (and younger hairless apes) into the colonies. But the hairy great apes in power would have none of this!

The AANRs were forced to bargain and bribe with their hairy cousins to remain a colony apart from the 'greater-jungle'. Every AANR was expected to divvy up his or her fair share to help defend against abrogation by the hairy ones. The bribes slowly began to influence a few of the Bureaucratic Underhanded Simian has-beens, or BUSHs, among the Hairy Great Apes then in power. The BUSHs hated the hairless ones and wished they would leave their colonies in the jungles and go elsewhere. AANRs (suitable adorned in fake fur called Giant Ape Troglydites, or GATs) fanned out across the jungle but had little success other than finding other isolated colonies in the deep jungle. AANR, because of the GATs, pulled all these colonies together into a tighter noose with the excuse of a them-or-us mentality.

The Transgenic Neo Sapians embraced and accepted everyone for they recognized that we were all born hairless and evolved from the sea . . . where hairless was natural. After all, look at the shape of our nostrils. We are a diving species, unlike the furred apes with their flat noses. Un-furred is natural.

On the sunny, warm beaches one could meet hairless dolphins in the shallows or share a fur-optional soak in a hot spring nearby. The beaches belonged to everybody and everybody pitched in together to keep the unruly BUSHs and GATs from organizing the beaches and hot springs into a greater AANR co-prosperity sphere of colonies. Transgenic Neo Sapians hated playing gin rummy . . . they'd rather play sand volleyball and stay in shape; or hike the stark mountains nearby in search of more hot springs. They had no use for colonies in the jungles and dues that represented nothing of value to them. The beachs and hot springs were a gift of nature and they revered them. They had their own local organizations and a larger umbrella called Naked Apes and Chimpanzees, or NAC for short, that mediated with the much larger Hairy Apes to reach a consensus on the behalf of all TNS and non-TNS (including AANR-escapees) alike.

The Anthro-Archaic Neanderthal Retrogrades were desperate. Their colonies were shrinking because of an aging membership and a mandatory levy on their income (the head AANRs called them dues because it was 'due' them if a member wanted to stay within the safety of the colony instead of being forced to grow fur and hair). AANRs grew weary of endless gin rummy games while listening to the monotonous staccato of jungle drums. The jungle grew thicker and jungle rot encroached ever tighter around them. The Great Furless Diaspora began as word from returning Giant Ape Troglydites opened visions of wide open spaces . . . beaches and oceans . . . mountains and natural hot springs (without the irritating chlorine of their own hot spa tubs as mandated by the Hairy Apes who especially loved to bleach their own fur silver . . . the Great Silver-Backed Apes in power).

"Why do we have to stay here behind these fortified walls?" many lamented. "Why do we have to give and give to be locked up like this?"

Many volunteered for GAT training and traveled out of the jungles to the more enlightened beaches and mountains of the Transgenic Neo Sapians. All were welcomed with open arms. Few returned but sent word of a new approach to cooperation where furred and furless lived in harmony with each other.

The remaining AANRs, seeing their power base and riches hemmoraging out, responded viperously, attacking the neo sapians in jungle-drum ads as irresponsible and with being free-loaders. The TNSers stuck their tongues out. "Come on down and enjoy the free beach. No dues forced on you," they responded.

Eons later, the AANRs were extinct while the Trans Neo Sapians evolved into our modern-day humans and never grew fur again. We know this because of the finding in the remotest of jungles of a rather age-worn trophy known as the Ilsley trophy that was found in the cave remains of a BUSH politician known from historical records for collecting memorabilia of defunct organizations. Even in present times, you can still make out the outlines of those long-ago colonies on sat. imagery . . . and there are a few who say the places are haunted by the remains of the last gin rummy players . . . frozen in place by the glaciation that covered most of the worlds landmasses except for the beaches and coastlines of the TNSers. There is even a rumor that the AANRs claimed to once be the 'Credible Voice of Reason for Hairlessness', a cliche that continues to puzzle scholars."

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